The Reality of (my) Life

      There comes a time when we need to start being honest with ourselves. As i rapidly approach 60 its time to realize the truth about my life. I still, for some reason, have many dreams like maybe winning the lottery, finishing a novel that many people love, doing something astounding as a profession that changes the world for years to come or just being such a person that when I pass draws thousands to my funeral so they can share how I made a profound difference in their lives.

     But reality is here and I should accept that these things will not happen. I can still dream but should accept the inevitability. It does not mean life is over, just that I should make the remainder of my time being at peace because if success is what I am relying on for happiness then it truly will be many sad days ahead of me. All or some of my dreams still could happen and these thoughts give me a strange kind of hope but should not be the requirement. Dying alone or mourned by thousands is basically the same...  I am dead and am pretty sure those emotions die with me. Lets face it, funerals and wakes are more for the living. And why should there be sadness in lack of accomplishment, millions have passed before us with just as little or even less. I don't know many things but I am pretty sure that what we do in life is not a race to see who does the most or has the most who remember them. In One Hundred thousand years will any of us still be remembered. 

     I may be here for just one more day or maybe live another 60 years, these days should all be the same. I should just be me and find peace in what I do. As long as I remain true to what I value and want to be then I can relax. If one or more of my dreams do occur then maybe it was meant to be. All I know now is that my soul is not for sale and its value is up to me and not based on the opinions or judgements of others.

Perfection

 Lately I have been watching and listening to people complain. Trust me, you don't have to look far because EVERYONE is doing it. Texting, posting or talking out loud in conversations. What I notice most is the general form of these complaints. It appears that what people complain about is that they are expecting PERFECTION from everyone or service around them. If you don't believe me just read every comment left about a business or even just posts on social media. Why has everyone become so critical of what everyone else is doing?

So I will simply post this basic rebuttal to every complaint or criticism ever made out there. While you are complaining or whining about how your politician or service or product wasn't perfect, can you say that in your daily job or interactions did you give perfection? We love to complain how the DMV gives us slow and terrible service yet do you supply better service at your job? Can you say that you greet everyone with a smile and cheery disposition, or go out of your way to assist others, even when its 'NOT YOUR JOB'?

If we plan to demand so much from those around us to make the world 'PERFECT' shouldn't we start by at least attempting to be perfect first? There is always plenty of blame to go around, yet blaming others never fixes anything. Maybe we should start with ourselves and go forward from there.

Distractions

      Today I watched, not for the first time, a person walking through the grocery store parking lot down the middle while looking at their phone. Why doesn't anyone see the danger they put themselves in? I realize that there alot of bad or evil people on the planet but this is different. The danger comes from everyone else who is also distracted. No one cares about anything except their own needs so why do you expect others to give you a safe berth? Its ludicrous to walk through life distracted and not expect others to do the same. Humans love to lay blame, as if blaming someone stops bad things from happening. Our laws do NOT stop crimes, they just give us the power to punish and through that action becomes a deterrent but the law it self wont stop bad things.

    If you only care for yourself then take the time to be aware of your surroundings, because at the end of the day the only one who cares about you is you so leaving your fate up to others doing the right thing then you are just a fool. If you happen to be laying there in a pool of your own blood... take the time to see how you put yourself in that situation. You may find a hundred people or circumstances to blame on your predicament but that blame wont heal your wounds. The best way to recover is not to be injured in the first place. Remember the most relevant tool you have, actually the only tool, to avoid bad circumstances is your own awareness. 

    My very first Martial Arts instructor I had at the age of 14 once said, "The only guaranteed way to win a fight, is to NOT be in one". If you feel that you are or should live forever (or by reality just can't imagine anything will happen to you) then pay attention. Most situations can be avoided but you have to make the effort, no one else will.

Small Update

     It feels like time for a small update as a lot has happened. It has been 4 months since I lost my job/quit, yet finances have not been an issue.  In one week my fiance will have her interview at the US Embassy for her K-1/K-2 Visa application (Visa to come to US for purpose of marriage) so our journey to be together is potentially happening soon (after 18 months). Lastly, my best friend and companion of over 14 years passed away 2 weeks ago. Yes, I lost Oscar.

I have had many pets/companions over the last 50 years. Dogs, Cats, reptiles, amphibians. birds, rodents and even arachnids.  However, Oscar has been my longest companion ever and by far the most important one. He has traveled with me extensively over the years, been there during some of my most trying of times (new jobs, leaving Navy, Divorce, depression attacks... etc). It has been a few weeks but it still feels different waking up and not having him  there in the bed with me. I think, someday, I may have to finish the poem I started about him. I will forever miss him.

The Journey goes on

 About that time for another post. We look to be in the final stages of getting my Bride to the US. She has her Embassy interview at the end of next month. If all goes well she, and her son, could be here by Early May. All I can do is wait and see but the year long journey is coming to an end.  However, I wont believe it until she makes it here and is in my arms.

  Not sure if I mentioned earlier but I left my Job effectively the end of january and still no new employment opportunities. As I am able to afford my current existence AND I have a Fiance on the way I stopped pushing for new employment. I will dive in again once she arrives. Until then I still have over a dozen resumes out there and even though time does not look favorable for a happy ending on any of them I wont be turning down any offers that do present themselves.

 With the world in such conflict with itself, and everyone caught up in the turmoil I have been seperating myself from most of the world and communities. I just don't understand humans any longer. They all seem to be yelling and disagreeing without really listening. I cant make anyone see the truth or change how they are, as history has proven time and again you cant force people to be or do anything. They have to want it themselves. All I can do is change myself. They best way to not be affected by what's going on around me is simply to NOT PLAY THE GAME. I am setting myself up to a simple lifestyle, hopefully with another kind person next to me, and to ignore the news, social media, opinions (basically the chatter) around me. I don't need others telling me how I should feel or what I should believe in. What I think is the only true freedom I have (freedom of speech is a LIE in America) and the only way to preserve that for now is to not broadcast it over social media (yes I do realize the irony in this post). My lifestyle is my way of telling the world I dont give a Fuck what you think, or how you feel, just leave me alone.

 I realize I no longer need or want to be happy, I just want peace and contentment. The world moves on around me as I am not the center of the universe. Cause no harm is a motto that allows me to survive without disruption the world around me. Someday maybe humanity will evolve their emotional ways to find a similar method to coexist but I won't hold my breath. 

New year

 I have tried to do regular posts. Ones that would bring out thoughts I had for specific ideas or topics. However the frequency I post has made this pretty worthless. An idea a year seems pathetic. So I guess I will turn this more into a journal.

2026 has began the start of a turning point for me. I quit my job 3 weeks ago. I say quit, more like resigned before they could fire me. Was under investigation for violating company policies concerning email security and even though I am sure I could have survived the investigation I could not take the chance so resigned. This forced me to move on. I worked at the shipyard for almost 9 years but to tell the truth I hated every day.  I will miss the 6 figure salary but I think I will be able to manage with less, and hopefully live a more enjoyable life. Also, 19 months ago I started a relationship with a young woman in Vietnam. After 6 months we got engaged and currently still waiting for the approval to bring her to the US to be married. I have been married 3 times in my 50+ years and getting married again seems insane. Yet she has very old world family beliefs and shows genuine affection for someone like me so it feels right doing this. My journey now is to wed and live out the rest of my days in a very simple lifestyle. It a bonus that she is also a Buddhist. As I have practice Buddhism for almost 30 years it is nice to share religious beliefs with someone I don't have to explain my lifestyle to. In the last 19 months I have been to Vietnam twice (You don't think I would get engaged without meeting in person do you?).

So thats my tale for now. I sit at home every day just waiting on emails. The email from the Ho Chi Minh Vietnam Embassy saying the paperwork is ready for my fiancée to apply for her Visa and many emails concerning the 2 dozen reply's concerning the jobs I have applied for. As I pray at my home shrine daily I wait for better news on what the future may hold for me.

Divorce

 Not as dramatic as the title suggests, although I have gone through 3 Divorces in my life so far. Today I took a stand against a growing concern I have observed for quite some time.

I do enjoy technology.  Years ago I decided to splurge on an Amazon Echo Show. A handy device that offers all the functionality of an Echo Dot (the ability to ask Alexa anything) with the added feature of a 10 inch screen that has a multitude of visible display options and includes a video camera (for video calls).  I don't need or want an imagined digital assistant to tell and show me all things in my life like reminders, messages and a thousand ideas. My desires were basic and all I wanted was a 10 inch display that shows the time with my personal favorite wallpaper images. Nothing more. Occasionally I might ask a few basic questions (like todays weather) or have it read my audio book before bed.

We all know that our devices are reading or listening to us, algorithms are compiling data to send out to thousands of clients who pay to know what we talk about or mention all in an effort to sell us more stuff.  What we have is not good enough for anyone because we can always buy more. Marketing teams are just compiling more and more stuff for us to buy. If people spent a tenth of the time trying to produce quality or necessary items for people as they do just trying to sell we might have a better society someday. However, this is not the HUMAN way.  As much as I tried to stop it, my Echo Show consistently continued to audibly add suggestions to questions I asked or, more importantly, displayed products to buy. Even after going into the settings and turning off ALL the suggestion topics (and there are a lot of them) the display rarely showed what I wanted to see when I looked at it. The marketing department just has to have their plugs into everything we buy because we NEED to buy more.

After a 2 am argument with my Alexa, it ended up unplugged and on the floor. I am officially divorcing you and putting you on notice. Today my new digital clock sits where she used to. I cant fight this greedy system any longer but as I have learned the only way to win is NOT TO PLAY. As useful as Alexa, or Google Home or etc is I don't see it that useful if I have to live in your world. I would like to say that I was going to cut myself off from Amazon completely but currently that is not an option, however tomorrow I will be spending less. Time to start to get back to a simpler life.

Understanding our Emotions

 As a Buddhist I have evaluated many aspects of the human condition that drive us to who we are. Buddhism tells us that all pain is cause by selfish craving. If you consider that all our pain comes from the loss of items or people we crave this has a lot of validity.

When I evaluate all of our emotions I realize there are positive and negative emotions. Positive emotions exist like happiness, love and amusement. Negative emotions exist lise anger, guilt and sadness. I am not suggesting we live without emotions like those of the sci-fi community who love Spock the Vulcan. Even though there are negative emotions they do have a function in our day-to-day function. However I believe that there are 3 negative emotions that, if left unchecked, are incredible dangerous to us.

The 3 worst emotions we live with are jealousy, anger and fear. Fear is necessary for us to survive. Without fear we would walk into the fire. Never should we engage in anything dangerous without fear since it keeps us grounded and can keep us sharp. The problem is we give in too easily and people use fear to control us or sell us on poor ideas. How many times have we approved of a politicians actions because they inspired us with the FEAR of the alternative, or to buy a product based on the FEAR of how the competing products will kill us. Given the rising fear we give in to ideas that normally we would shy away from.

Anger also has its uses because it can give us strength to do something we would normally be too afraid to do. The problem is we let anger take over and lose all wisdom and go into a frenzy. No longer does wisdom or intelligence guide us. We may be stronger but now we are sloppy and reckless and even sometimes hurt those close to us in the process.

Lastly is jealousy. Truth is I see little positive benefit from jealousy and it can drive us to do many other levels of sadness or greed to acquire that which we are jealous of. Again we make so many bad or selfish decisions simply because we allowed jealousy to drive us.

In the end, whatever type of person you are or want to be we should be doing our best to just improve. Understanding the negative impacts of some of our drives can help us improve. Don't allow Fear, Anger or Jealousy make you less then who you are or could be.

Where are you going with this?

     Over the last year I have been isolating myself from the News and, more importantly, social media. As I listen to everyone around me they are sounding angrier and angrier on a daily basis and it does not feel like anything is getting better. The real problem is its not because of a single issue, like who to vote for the president or which football team will win the Superbowl. What I see is hundreds of issues and hundreds of conspiracies that everyone is fighting/arguing about. As I have no desire to be apart of any of these arguments (why be apart of them when everyone is yelling and NO ONE is listening) I just sit back and observe. I guess that is why I have become more recluse to the outside world while home alone with my dogs, because they NEVER go insane and will always be who they were meant to be.

     So I have one question for those of you so passionate about whatever you believe and are fighting/arguing for: Where are you going with this?

    One thing I have observed is everyone is getting worse with their words/acquisitions and beliefs but no one is really saying what they want to fix it. The arguments feel, to me, like something extreme is the only thing that will appeal you all and extreme actions are never good for anyone. Maybe you just like being angry or upset or need to blame others, I cannot say. I am just glad every time I take my dogs out for a walk that the world around me is still there and continuing on but I don't expect this to last. Someday I will see it all go too hell (assuming I am alive to see it) and I will not be surprised. I cant fix you, I can only fix me.

A Good Man

     I remember back when I was in Middle school the teacher asking everyone "What do you want to be when you grow up"? Despite trying to call out many ideas i really didn't know. As I grew and advanced to high school and Junior college I still did not know what I eventually wanted to be. Through the years I worked fast food, deliveries, security guard, car sales and eventually signed up with the Navy (Submarine Duty). However, around my thirties, I realized that all these jobs and career moves were just jobs and distractions. Around the time I found my spiritual calling as a Buddhist I realized that what I really wanted to be was 'A GOOD MAN'.

    For over Twenty years now I have struggled to live up to the idea of a good man. The problem I found is we all have ways of convincing ourselves that what we do or have done is justified. trying to live with our actions without ever feeling guilt. I know that I have made bad decisions in the past and although none of them are horrific (like Murder, Emotional Abuse, Physical abuse... etc) I still feel the guilt in some way and will always strive to be better to, hopefully, overcome any negative Karma I may have caused. I will always believe in second chances and never judged someone by who or what they were. I mean would you deny a person the Nobel Prize for Curing Cancer just because you discovered that when they were 10 they were a bully?

    The judgement of whether I am a good man is not necessarily a title I can give myself. The greatest fear to anyone who wants to be a Good Man is that secretly they really aren't. We can all believe that in certain circumstances we would act appropriately. I would like to believe that I would run into a burning building to save others, that I would place myself as a shield to protect someone from gunfire, that I would fall on a live grenade if it would save others or that I would stand up to someone bullying others. These are all noble actions but they also show a truth about oneself. I can believe that I would do these actions but most find that when in those situations the true self takes over. So that is my greatest fear that given the right opportunity to think and act for others that I would fail.

    To continue on my path of being a good man I developed my CODE (or code of conduct) and I highly recommend to anyone who strives to be be something better to develop your own:

"Never give up, Never give in,

Never Cowardly or Cruel,

Don’t acquiesce to the Bully,

Feed the Gold Dragon,

Remember the Way,

and NEVER,

let them see you Bleed!"

Its not about you!!!

 I look back and realize it has been Two years since my last post. It's not as if I hadn't had any thoughts since then I think it is because every time I have one I don't feel so confident talking about it out loud. But as I grow older I find I no longer care how others feel about my thoughts. Whether I am right or wrong or you feel I am right or wrong does not sway who I am any longer. I have no intention of posting these ideas to any public forum (at the moment at least), I just need to say these ideas out loud. Unlike most people I see posting who want to be heard and agreed with, I don't see the need. WHY you may ask, well because I find that its no longer about Me or You. I am here, or not, and the world will continue to spin, the sun will continue to rise and people will continue to do whatever they want anyway. I also find that once something gets openly spoken about it just opens up hundreds of negative feedback. Is there really nothing truly positive out there any longer or do we just have too many people that that cant stand by without tearing down the world a little at a time. I choose to take myself out of this cycle because it appears broken. I can think, I can observe and I can act. If I see something I like there is no need for me agree (publicly) because good is good and truth is truth and my voice can not change that and doesn't need my approval. Alternately if it is wrong or evil, again my voice wont change it because good is good and truth is truth and arguing or disagreeing (publicly) only feeds the dark beasts and rarely will affect their beliefs ort statements so I ignore (my super power) and move on. I would like to see the world, or even people, act or evolve a certain way but then...  It's not about Me is it?

Is that fair?

      Ever since I was a child I have heard, or spoken, the statement "That's not fair!". It was only recently that I realized that this is subject to opinion. One problem we share is that everyone has an opinion and very few line up together. How can anything be determined as fair? A poor person feels its unfair that someone else has more then they do and yet a wealthy person feels its unfair to have to give money away to others (in the form of taxes, wages.. ect). So who is right? The truth is there is no guideline or rule of law anywhere that defines this concept. Politics and Religions do their best to define but even they come short.

    My suggestion would be to just let it go. If you can conceive of a concept like fairness then you can just as easily conceive of ways to feel better. It seems that money is mainly the source of fairness, but not the only, I have always said that there are only two ways to get wealthy, you can either earn more money or just want less. Lets face it, even the definition of wealthy can be subjective so if you own everything you want that would make you a wealthy person indeed.

Depression

I know it has been a while since my last post but this topic goes a long way is maybe describing why. I have lived with Depression, through ups and downs, for over 40 years. It is a topic that is very hard to explain, much like Love. Unless you experience it you cannot really describe it very effectively.

To be depressed is to live in a world where you cannot trust your own feelings. Like alcholism being able to identify that you are depressed is most of the battle. However, that battle is not an easy one. I have failed in so many relationships and to be honest to this day I am still unsure if it was me or them.

There are those who make depression their identity, as in they will describe thier condition and even write about it like that is who they are. Then there are those like me who try to maintain a daily routine (sometimes even concealing their condition). Believe it or not we live among you and our condition can be very mild to the clinically extreme.

I write to you now as a man who has had to rebuild his life several times. I keep my like in balance with social interations but even that can be fleeting. I see many organizations today trying to help depression with call centers and talk stations but talk is fleeting. Understand that we (The Depressed) live in a different world outside of yours and that which you take for granted is not as easy for us.

Politics (Part 1)

I know this is a Grand Topic to start with. In truth if I wanted to talk politics I could finish that 500 page book I started when i was 16. So to start I will try not to overwhelm anyone, myself included, and just discuss my opinions in small doses. So today's discussion is on the party system. To begin I DO NOT believe in our 2 party system. Our system has become a bastardized system of jargon and labels designed to confuse everyone and in truth I doubt anyone knows what they are supporting. People in influence (wealthy, politicians, etc...) have an agenda and therefore when they speak to the public they create emotional situations to justify what they want.  All anyone has to do is look up the facts of ANY statement a politician claims, to include motivation behind said statement, and they can see where the truth really lays. In truth if you believe ANY politician is your "Golden Savior" then you have probably already tasted the cool-aide.

Politicians are really the "lesser-of-two-evils". To support one you need to decide who represents the most of your interests (lets face it... No One can represent everyone's interest 100% of the time).  In truth I prefer a politician who is willing to cross party-lines to reach a consensus on important issues.  Where the "Party System" has gone wrong is people are sticking to a specific party and anything outside their party is wrong/evil.  Do you REALLY believe that Half our country are evil or should be exiled?  Believe it or not that is the impression I hear in group conversations.

So to sum it all up. DO NOT trust your politicians, but if your have to support vote with your mind not your emotions. Do not be afraid to select a Congressman from the left and a Senator from the right. This country was built on compromise and in a Civil War only Americans lose. 

Todays Thought

As I sit here relaxing to a Cigar while listening to the Heavy Metal soundtrack (one of my favorites) I feel the need to ask a question. Star Wars... whats up with that?
As I look back at the series of movies dating back to 1977 (yes I am old enough to have seen the origonal in the theatre on opening weekend) I realize that I enjoy those movies. I 'like' them, I dont love them. Overall every show has been entertaining. I have always been a sci-fi fan (even though I dont believe Star Wars is sci-fi, but that is another discusion) so the series is worth watching. As I digress my question is "What the F### is wrong with the fans?". It is a show, watch it and move on. If you like it, tell someone. If you dont, then dont watch it. I can not believe how some people waste so much of their lives "discussing" and posting so many negative opinions of the series. I see endless posts complaining how the choices made by the director/owners are ruining their childhood. I have but two things to say to these fans. 1) If you dont like it, go out and make it better since you feel you have all the answers. 2) Seek counseling for your delusions.
My advice. Watch the shows because they are good, however dont fall in love, there are much better shows out there (True Sci-fi shows)